Dreaming with eyes wide open

Long time no write

2011-12-13T14:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since i've been on here...nothing much has changed. It's december and slowly creeping towards christmas. I just wish it would hurry up and get here. I'm ready to be home...for break and for good.

When I moved down here, people told me to give it time. Minimum a year. I don't think that's for everyone though. Yes, if you are moving to work or moving with your husband or family, sure, give it a year, but otherwise, I don't think that holds true. I left home for all the wrong reasons. I know this, and I'm not happy with myself for choosing so abruptly. But, as with everything, I believe that I had to learn and to appreciate what I had/have at home. If it's taught me anything, I've learned that there is no where I'd rather be. Home might drive you crazy sometimes, ok, probably a lot of the time, but it's home nonetheless. It's not just Ann Arbor, it's the family, friends, just being around the people you care about. Yes, I have some of that here, but it's not the same. I know this is a sappy post, but what can I say, it's where I am right now. I'm looking forward to the cruise coming so that I can get some sun, and go home!

I almost went skating today. I haven't skated, I mean really skated, since before my last surgery. I guess I'm just worried about how it's going to go. I miss it so much, more than I ever figured I would. I always knew growing up that skating was my outlet. It was what I used whenever I was hurt, or upset, or needed time to think. It gave me something to do, somewhere to turn when I needed to vent. I think it might be time for that again, provided my feet can handle it these days. I thought about it last night, about the possibility of starting to train again. I think I'd like that. I think it would be nice to have a reason to get up in the morning, who knows, maybe even go for that adult national title in 2013. I'm thinking about it. Skating has always been a part of me, a part of my soul, and I am realizing now that a piece of me is missing with out it. I don't miss the drama, that's for sure, but I miss the speed, the jumping and the feeling that I can do anything, be anyone out there. Hopefully I'll make it out there tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

More later, (hopefully soon) KG

2011-11-18T19:24:00.001-08:00

It's been a rough week. I guess the weeks after I've been home and had a great weekend are always going to be tough until the time when I don't have to leave again. The problem is that I seem to be becoming more introverted and more cranky with each passing day. It's hard for me to stop, even when I'm able to recognize that my temper is shorter. I wish it would be easy fix, but unfortunately I'm finding that this isn't the case. I know that I need to have a more positive outlook on life, but frankly all I want to do is curl up in bed and watch tv or sleep. It's so hard to find that positive outlook, even though I know I have so many wonderful aspects of my life to be grateful for. All I can do is take things one day at a time.

This weekend is one of those fun ones where I have class friday, saturday and sunday. On the plus side, this is the final weekend of class for the year (yay!) and my mom is flying into town tomorrow night. I only need to make it through one more day of 8:30-5:30 and the exam and a little bit of schooling on sunday morning. Then off to see the grandparents for 5 days and I'll be that much closer to coming home for christmas! yay! Then I'll be three months away from being home for good! Thank goodness! I've started writing my books again so I guess that's a good thing - thanks Katy! I think that's been a bit therapeutic...hopefully it helps. I should probably get some sleep for the long day ahead tomorrow (by the way I'm so bummed I'm missing the football game grrrr) Hopefully I'll write more soon...KG

Invisible

2011-11-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

It's hard to think you're not needed anymore. I know there are people out there who will always need someone to talk to, but it's hard when people who have previously turned to you for so much suddenly have no need for you anymore. And then, there's the reverse of that. There are those people who may not know exactly what's going on in your head, and yet, they feel as though they need to tell you what to do. I don't know if that makes any sense, I'm not even sure if it makes any sense to me.

Today has been a rough day. I know these days come more and more frequently, but that doesn't make them any easier to handle. Just when I let myself start to have a good day, something happens and I just get brought down all over again. No, I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. Yes, I am a 23 year old who is homesick. I don't think I'm behind the times, I think I'm human, and I really wish some people would just let me be. I think a lot of this indecisiveness comes from my past. I am always afraid to fail, and I've always been that way, but I think these feelings are hurting me now more than ever. I wish I didn't feel this way, but unfortunately, there are some things that can't be changed. I am so afraid to fail at whatever I do, that I can't bring myself to commit to anything. I guess if I don't make any decisions, I'm not exactly failing. I'll have plenty of time for that down the road, so is it so wrong to try to delay that feeling as much as possible? Again, I don't really know if all that I'm saying even makes sense. I'll probably read this tomorrow and wonder what I was thinking, but I guess this post just stems from my day. All jumbled, just like my brain is right now! Ha....

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day....KG

This weekend will be loooong

2011-11-02T20:53:00.000-07:00

When you get used to class two-three times per week, the idea of a week with class for five days is actually pretty daunting, especially if two of those days you are supposed to be in class for eight and a half hours. Not cool at all. I know that this is what I signed up for, but that doesn't make me dread those long days any less!

Week two of the new class schedule, and I can say that I am pretty happy with the classes so far. Both I've had thus far seem to be up my alley and I think I will be able to succeed.

As for all other aspects of my life (ok let's be real here, there really isn't much to my life down here besides school), things are pretty dreary. The weather was kind of dark and depressing today, and that without a doubt added to my moodiness of today. I don't like when I have these days, but unfortunately they happen all the time. All I can do is talk to my lifeline, and take things one day at a time. That's the only way to survive! Well, that and focusing on those times when I get to go home, and planning new times. One way or another though, it has to work, right? I hope so. It's hard to keep believing things will get better. Feeling sick all the time doesn't help either. If it's not one thing it's another it seems. And now, my poor little Zoey is sick too. What is with it down here?? Oh well...not much longer to deal with it.

I'm gonna try to get some rest, but I'll do my best to write again soon!

KG

Bleh

2011-10-27T21:58:00.001-07:00

Today was one of those "I don't want to get out of bed, it's too dreary and dark, and I just don't feel well" kinda days. I got out of bed just because I had to take Zoey to the vet. My poor baby has an ear infection but other than that is just great. Other than that the day was not too exciting. Homework and class while not feeling well kinda leads back to the whole I'd rather be in bed thing.

High point of my day though was talking to my bestie. Always the high point and always can make me smile (no matter how stubborn I may be some days).

As for now, still feeling kinda crappy. Now the lungs are hurting yet again....maybe an upper respiratory infection? Who knows lol. I'm waiting for the NyQuil to kick in so I can actually sleep. Hopefully that will be soon!

I'll update my other blog tomorrow because right now, I don't think I have the brain power to write anything halfway decent about anyone else's work. I've already got the song picked out though that I'm going to write about. It came on the radio tonight when I was driving home from class and made me smile. Gotta love those random, fun loving songs.

Gonna try to catch some zzzz's (cross your fingers!) but I'll write more tomorrow when I'm trying to rest up and get well.

Night! KG

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Been a few...

2011-10-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've really got to get better about writing here...I think part of the excitement of writing when I was home was that I actually had things to write about. Nothing really exciting has happened this week.

I started a new semester of classes which I think will be really helpful in the future. Organizational business consulting and workplace conflict for now with assessment and interviewing starting in about a week or so...time can fly in these classes, but at the same point, 4 hours is such a long time to be sitting in one class. With that being said, 4 hours seems super short when you have to be in one classroom for 8 hours. I guess it's all about perspective.

Let's see...I've also caught up on some television I missed when I was home. Private Practice, How I Met Your Mother, old episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians of course! I can't help but love these shows. I know some think tv watching is a waste of time, but I see it as maintaining (who am I kidding here) rather giving me some semblance of sanity. I may be spending some time doing nothing, but after going through undergrad doing too much, it's nice to kind of take a step back, even if some people do see me as being "lazy". I know I could be reading too much into what people say, but if you tell someone you are looking forward to doing nothing all day like them, I dunno, I find that a little insulting. (and before you even think it, this was not done by anyone who will read this blog) Enough of a rant...

I really enjoyed my healthy whole foods version of a lunchable that I had for dinner tonight. It was actually the perfect amount of food and it was yummy. Chicken salad, crackers, grapes, and cheese is actually a pretty good dinner.

Okay, so I know this post has been extremely random, and I'm not even sure if it all makes sense, but I blame being tired and not feeling well! I'll do better tomorrow, and I will write tomorrow, that's a promise!

Night! KG

Monday, Tuesday Fun

2011-10-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a fun day with my mom...shopping, driving (lots of driving!), looking at houses, more shopping, dinner at on the border and hanging out with Tammy and Nicole. Speaking of shopping, I was reminded after my previous post that I didn't actually make it through the trip to Howell without buying anything - I bought some lotion and such from Bath and Body Works (I think that's it!)...

Today was spent getting my hair cut and colored, hanging at the mall with Clara and more time hanging out with Katy! Definitely a great way to spend the day....I already feel like this week is flying by, and I just wish I could make time stop. Fitting a couple months into a week is tough, and I never anticipated it would be like this. To be honest, I didn't really think that people would miss me, but it means the world to me that they do. It makes me want to stay home even more, but hopefully now that an end of my time down south is in sight, it will make things easier. I'm also hoping that this realization that I won't be there forever will help with my insomnia, because to be honest, that whole deal is really getting old! Speaking of that, I think I'm going to attempt to get some sleep tonight because I'm actually feeling tired...

More later!
KG

Sunday at home

2011-10-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

I think I was too excited to sleep last night. I know I've been so excited to come home, so for the last week I haven't made it through a full night without waking up, and now that I'm finally here, I feel like I don't want to waste time sleeping! I know that sounds funny, but it's the truth.

So today began with me unable to sleep, so late night/early morning blogging, followed by sporadic sleep. When we were finally up and about, it was time for some outlet mall shopping (I made it through without buying anything! - A first for me I think!), followed by some quality tractor supply store time and a delicious pizza lunch with Katy's parents. I can't say that I've ever had taco pizza before, but it was great! I think that in the future, Doritos on a pizza could definitely be called for.

After lunch, we drove down to Toledo for...more shopping! We were trying to kill time before our movie, so we wandered around the mall and tried hard to avoid spending more money. Once again we succeeded! (The same won't be said tomorrow though, I can guarantee)

We saw Footloose which was amazing. I can only say that I wish I could move like Julianne Hough lol. There was great music as well as amazing acting. I can't wait to see it again. I will say that I cried, but I was luckily able to keep it under control. I highly recommend this movie!

Dinner at Olive Garden with Katy and my Dad was a nice way to round out our Sunday. Soup and salad gave the cozy feel on this brisk day, and I think after this long night and some writing, I will hopefully be able to sleep tonight!

Yesterday and today were disappointing days for Michigan sports, but there's nowhere else I'd rather be. There is nothing like walking into the local stores and seeing University of Michigan, Tigers, Lions and Red Wings apparel. It just feels like home. I wouldn't change anything about being able to come here for a week or a weekend, whatever the time may be. It's worth it to be able to spend a bit of time with the people who mean so much to me.

Time for some rest, more tomorrow...
KG

Home sweet home

2011-10-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've been home for less than 24 hours and already I feel better. There's nothing quite like the windy, cold, Michigan weather to welcome you home. Honestly, I thought there was no chance in hell I'd miss the weather. I always knew I would miss the people, but the weather? No freaking way. But, when it's October and still 80-90 degrees in Dallas, you tend to miss the cooler weather. I'm sorry, but fall and 90 doesn't really work day in and day out. I want to see the leaves change color, I want to go to the cider mill, these are the little things I used to take for granted that I now desperately look forward to on my return trips home.

I think this is what I've really learned...The grass is always greener on the other side, but on the other hand, sometimes it takes being away and out of your element to really and truly realize that you were exactly where you needed to be. Ann Arbor is and will always be home, and I can't wait to come back. I may not know exactly what I will doing when I get back here, but I do know that I will figure it out and I know that being home will make me happier. I miss my support team. Sometimes you need a good swift kick in the ass to make you get out of bed and stop moping around. I need that a lot more lately...

I know I'm going to try to be better about writing. I'm going to write here, and I'm going to start a new blog, a more evaluative piece about country music. Katy is right...I love country music, and I love writing, so why not combine the two? Who knows, it could turn into something...I'm looking forward to starting that! Well, I'm going to try to set up that other blog now so I can get going, but more here later!

KG

This is a test

2011-10-09T13:38:00.001-07:00

This is just a test to see what date this posts on! I love big ban theory with my bestie!

Oy.

2011-10-07T15:16:00.001-07:00

It's been a long day. Emotionally draining, but at least I know there will be a positive outcome...eventually!

Studying always takes a lot out of me but it's more the decision making that I know is ahead that I'm stressing out about. thankfully for me though I have someone to talk to about my life and the many decisions to make. I don't know what id do without Katy and hope I never have to find out! It's nice to know there is someone willing to point out the flaws to my plans and give me new and better ideas. I'm actually looking forward to the future...even if I'm not sure where it will lead.

Updates to come when I know what I'm doing!

KG

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Last group meeting

2011-10-06T14:07:00.001-07:00

I never really thought I'd be sad to see a weekly group meeting be over with but I am. Thursday classes are definitely more fun when you are full on Potbellys and have gotten a chance to complain about class. At least the classwork is over...just resume editing to go!

I am so glad it's almost time to go home again. It's true "you don't know what you got til it's gone". All I can say is I'm glad gone isn't permanent and that I can still go home as often as possible. It's nice to plan a lot of activities to do with my bestie and my family to look forward to, even though just hanging out with everyone would have been enough.

Two days in a row...not too shabby! Lets see how long I can keep this up!

KG

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Finals

2011-10-05T12:05:00.001-07:00

So I'm hoping that with a blog app on my phone I'm going to be much better about keeping up with my blog.

I can't believe it's coming to the last week of class and I'm basically done with 1/2 classes just have to go and sit there. I'm glad to have my big paper done and can't wait to be home again next weekend.

I like the program down here but I miss home so much. Every time I leave it seems to get harder and harder but I wouldn't change my times back there for anything. It's what gets me through the times here...

Location:Bordeaux Dr,McKinney,United States

VEGAS soon!

2011-04-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

So things are still pretty rough, but on the plus side, I get to go on vacation tomorrow for my birthday :) I'm so excited for shows, and acm fan jam, lots of yummy food and shopping!

Sitting in astronomy right now listening to the prof talk about star trek and aliens and the possibility of other life out in the universe...who knows? It will be interesting to find out one day.

I think that this is a completely random post so far, and that maybe from now on I should attempt to summarize daily life before writing a bit of a story every day. Perhaps with a goal like that, I will be able to put a story together again.

For now though, I think that's all for today. More after Vegas!!
KG

Sleepy

2011-03-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

So...I'm doing what I do best, procrastination! I really should be writing a paper on the criminal justice system but blogging was just too tempting.

Today has been long and hard...I have to say I'm so thankful for my friends who keep me going through everything. Just when I think I have no more fight left in me at all, I get another pep talk, text/phone call, and those are just what help keep me pushing through. It feels like everything is just going to keep falling apart, I mean, this has been the trend so far right? I just have to keep believing things will get better.

On the plus side, I think I'm getting my new car on wednesday, so between that and Vegas, at least I have a couple of things to look forward to.

Ok so enough procrastination for now...gotta write that paper so I can sleep!

KG

It's been awhile (again)

2011-03-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. To say a lot has happened is an understatement...I've learned a lot, mostly that it's hard to know who to trust and that the best thing you can do in a bad situation is to take things one day at a time, in fact that's all you can do.

Proverbs 24:14
Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Philippians 4:13 NIV
I can do everything through him who gives me strength

I recently lost a great friend and family member, and in all that I've found out about her since her death makes me want to be a better person and a better christian. She was so selfless and thought more about helping others, both elderly and sick, than she did about herself. For that I respect and admire her more than I can express. And for that, and with all I have experienced in this last month especially make me want to be more like her in that way. It's been awhile since I've gone to church or read the bible or have really turned to God, and I want that to change. By losing someone I love, the best thing I can think to help me get through this is to think of the better life she has gone to. In order for that to be true, I believe that God has helped her find her way. I think if I can be half the person she was, I'll be able to get through these tough times and move on to greater things in the future. I'll always love and miss you Alenah!

'Til next time

Forgot about this...

2011-02-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a friend I remembered this morning I had this blog. Things have been so busy lately that I've kind of forgotten about it. Today was the so called "snowmaggedon" 2011. It wasn't quite as bad in this area as was anticipated, however, I did get stuck 3 times...and that wasn't even driving my little car. I guess that's what this time of year is all about. It'd be nice if this time next year I'm somewhere warmer where the worst I have to worry about is 1-3 inches. If only!

So the exciting thing of the moment...ordering my iphone tomorrow morning (really super early)!! I can't wait...I feel like a kid in a candy shop. Kinda sad that I'm this pumped about a phone, oh well. I've been waiting to get one for about 5 years now, so as far as my patience goes, that pretty much puts me at my max.

I hope I'll do a better job about remembering to update this and at least keep my writing fresh!

More later (hopefully)!

Stories

2010-10-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I really miss writing. As I've been sitting here, procrastinating, I went through my portfolios and looked at some of my old work. I may decide to post some of the pieces here, but for the most part, I'm thinking I would like to start some new pieces. Finding the time to sit and write short stories may be hard right now, but I think it'll be what I need to destress. As much as I would like to start right now, I really need to get back to my "studying" for my midterm I'm not quite ready for....oy! Here goes nothing...

Travelling

2010-10-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

Normally I'm a fan of travelling. Today on the other hand, not so much. I need to learn to follow my gut. Lesson learned. (or so I say until the next time)

The purpose of this trip was to visit family in Dallas as well as to visit the SMU campus. I loved the campus when I came two years ago, and still love it. It's just the campus, not a college town, so quite different from where I've grown up and where I am now. The question then becomes, do I want this change? Well I guess that question would come after the most obvious, will I even get in? There's so many quesitons right now going through my mind. I know everyone says I'll be fine with whatever I do, but I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm not so sure.

I know anything I do will be hard, and that I won't be happy all the time, but I want to do something that I'll look forward to at least sometimes. So, what to do? I love to write and occasionally be around people (haha!), will I make a good lawyer? I suppose I could. Only time will tell I guess.

So far it seems like this blog has been solely a place for me to rant. I know there won't be a lot of people reading this, so I guess that's why I feel I can. I have great people who will listen, but I don't want to sound too repetitive. Unfortunately that repetition is what is going through my head right now. This weekend will be for applications but fun too. I need some time to relax, unwind and I dunno, be a college student? Whatever that means! :)

More later

Lies...

2010-10-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

“The average person tells 4 lies a day, and 1460 a year. A total of 88,000 by the age of 6. And the most common lie is I’m fine.”

I found this quote today, and thought it was really quite interesting. There have been a number of people telling lies around me lately, and I can't help but wonder...if the above quote is true, do they even realize they are lying anymore? One would think that blatant lies are conscious, but if the lier believes they are correct they may not even think they are doing anything wrong.

I think this goes to show that there is something wrong with society in the fact that lies are becoming so common. I understand the lie, "I'm fine," and I'll be the first to admit this is a statement I have used more times than I can count when I am in fact, not fine. This is different though. This is more of an unwillingness to share something for the time being. I'll often admit later that this was incorrect, but at the same time, there are very few people I care to share such things with. This type of lie doesn't affect anyone but the lier. It isn't done maliciously, usually just to protect an emotion, or keep an emotion from being shown.

I just don't understand why people feel the need to hurt others by lying. Why? What do you gain from this? I guess this is my way of at least getting out that I can't stand the bullshit anymore.

Enough ranting...more to come later

Sitting here watching airplanes...

2010-10-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

Airplanes...or professors...I have the song stuck in my head, most likely because I'm so ready to be on a plane in the next couple of days. I haven't even been in school for that long this year, and yet, I absolutely cannot wait to be done. Senioritis has struck. Hard core.

Next year is the big question though. To stay or not to stay? I know it all depends on where I get into school, but at the same time, even if I get in to schools both here and elsewhere, I have no idea where I want to be. Before, the decision was easy. I had to get out of Michigan, out of this town. But now, it doesn't seem so simple and straightforward. Decisions, decisions. I suppose the first step here is finishing applications...

More later...

Missed one

2000-12-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

I missed writing yesterday...between studying, carving my Michigan football pumpkin and the Taylor swift concert last night it was kinda hard to write.

Not really looking forward to my exam tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to it being over so the week will continue and I'll be home for 9 days. That's much needed. I need as much time there as I can possibly manage or afford for my sanity!!

Working on a couple new song ideas...maybe I'll post some on here eventually. Who knows, maybe that will be the ticket. All it takes is one right?

Unfortunately I need to go study more but more later...

KG

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